:thethousandpunchstyleofmarkusbulandus

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to
continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this
end, I hold M&M duels.

Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply
pressure, squeezing them together until one of them breaks and
splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately.
The winner gets to go another round.

I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are
tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have
hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in
the intense theater of competition that is the modern candy and
snack-food world.

Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen,
or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to
be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra
strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its
environment.

When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M,
the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one
as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A
Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with
a 3×5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."

This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for
a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money."
I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of
hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.

There can be only one.