:thethousandpunchstyleofmarkusbulandus

When I walked into your store that fateful Tuesday, I expected only to find a smattering of half-decent titles tucked back there amongst the used 360 games. Instead I found you, surrounded by a beam of light, halfway between Assassin’s Creed and Call of Duty 3. Your gorgeous dark hair was radiant in contrast with the rainbow of colors on the deluxe Bioshock behind you. The Game of the Year held no interest for me when I saw you look up and smile, even though both could hold me in Rapture.

You commanded the register when it was my turn to check out with the Orange Box. Yes, I was finally getting to play Portal. Lucky me, you said with the cutest smile. Lucky me, I thought, and then knew you had the Portal to my heart. I could care less if the cake is a lie, I’d still want to share it with you.

Oh how you make my heart meter skip a beat. If you were being held captive in a mountain fortress by a ruthless mutant mafia gangboss and I had to fight my way through 16 levels of fire-breathing undead ninjas with swords the size of small ponies, I would find a way, even if, after every level, a small man continued to taunt me by saying that you were in another castle. EVEN IF.

So yes, I want to kill robotic zombie terrorists with you. You can even have the deluxe shotgun with explosive scattershot. I’ll just use this knife over here. I’ll do anything for you, just for the small, slightest chance that someday - someday - you and me could be a Wii.

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The Autobots were originally designed as factory workers and slaves, as shown by their vehicle alt modes during the 1st and 2nd seasons. They carried weapons, but were not supposedly as proficient in combat as the Decepticons were. In essence, the Autobots were the underdogs. On the other hand, the Decepticons were primarily designed as military forces or warriors. The Decepticons, who regarded themselves as a separate “race” from the Autobots, almost wiped out ALL the Autobots on Cybertron. If that’s not “genocide,” then I don’t know what is.

The theme of “weaker” good guys standing up to much “stronger” bad guys is far from being a “cookie cutter 80’s cartoon” like GI Joe, MOTU, Thundercats, etc.

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Think about it, GIJoe comes attacking, and everybody else in Cobra scrambles to get their guns, or their tanks, or their trubble bubbles. Big Boa sees the jets, the paratroopers, the jeeps and tanks, the thousands of well trained soldiers and thinks, “whoah! I’d better get my boxing gloves. I wanna give these fools a chance.” He’s the only character whose accessories WEAKEN him. He doesn’t need a gun. What he needs is something to draw the fight out so he doesn’t get bored!

tldr; Apparently, for Big Boa, bare-fist butt-kicking a tank is a little too easy.

Okay, I’ll give you this. Let’s create a hypothetical situation, here. He’s training Cobra soldiers, who obviously need to know how to fight tanks.

“Welcome back trainees. Today we are going to learn how to fight tanks. Somebody get me my boxing gloves.”

The force is strong in this one.

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You buy toys to get some enjoyment out of life. Transform him, put him in cool poses, go PEW PEW when a coworker walks by. Once you realize that fitting into society is a moronic and useless task, life becomes much more enjoyable.

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